Drunk Dialing... a Retrospective

Since the dawn of time drunk dialing has been a common practice... it is rumored that the first drunk dial occured when an intoxicated cave man walked into another cave and drew on said cave's wall, that he secretly loved said cave's occupant... this actually was also the inspiration for the soon to be hit movie "Brokeback Cave" but that's another story entirely.

Never has it been so easy for a man to utter the word's I love you, than it is after twelve shots of Jager chased by a Irish car bomb... each. Unfortunately this is normally more of an "I loved you", or "I'll always love you..." or, and this is the most unfortunate of all... "I'm outside your window, I know we haven't spoken since High School, but I still think of you, everynight... open your door and let me love you"...

Then of course there is the opposite of love, or yearning drunk dials... these I like to call the and another thing drunk dials. I have named them thus because they normally contain the phrase. These are the get something off your chest dials. Got a girlfriend you know is cheating? Too much of a wuss to do something about it? Well douchebag, here have this Long Island Iced Tea. Seventeen different liquors and coke... for color mind you. Six of these and suddenly Herbert the harmless becomes Hagar the horrible. Now unfortunate for my drunk dialing friends, these can and usually do backfire. Why you ask? I'll tell you why... because every "And another thing..." drunk dial is the product of the most horrible thing to ever happen to drunk dialing. Our F-ing friends. She's not cheating a-hole, she was at the movies with her damn friends, at dinner with her mom... there really was a christening. But because you hang out with idiots that all cheat on the women they're with you let them convince you that your girl is a slut... which you feel obliged to take as your own opinion and, unfortunately, share with said girlfriend. Or maybe ex-girlfriend would be a better way to put it.

So gentleman, I leave the ladies out because please you should ALL continue to drunk dial... and if you don't for God's sake start its hilarious when girls do it, stop listening to your friends... and stop drinking like you're in college... if you are in college please ignore this, there are some things you must learn on your own. Gotta go for now... I got a liquid lunch and a Nokia 2500 with my name on it... let me apologize in advance babygirl.

P.S. Guys... that guy at the end of the bar was NOT looking at you funny, and he probably CAN kick your ass.

Now batting... number 21...

Ahhh how I can't wait to hear that soon. Today pitchers and catchers, no not the Brokeback kind, reported to spring training. And I couldn't be happier. Well I could, but that's besides the point. The sports hell that I'm rotting in since "Super Bowl XL" will be coming to an end in a few miserable months. Screw basketball unless its the playoffs, and screw hockey even if it is the playoffs. And the olympics? Are you kidding me? Skating, skiing, and bobsled oh my!!! And lets not forget curling!!! Oh the drama, the excitment... the BROOMS? What in God's name possesed people to come up with a sport that uses brooms? And how did it wind up in the olympics? I mean what's next? Shuffleboard? Bowling perhaps? Ridiculous...

God help me give me baseball or give me death... or give me football or give me death... or just give me a meatball parm... that would be so awesome right now. I need some lunch... gotta run.

Look Mom no brains...

I have a new enemy... the guy or lady who yells at a message that comes over a loud speaker, in a train or subway situation.

Like "The train will be delayed 25 minutes..."
Annoying person response, "Aww come one man I have a meeting."

Or... "There is another train directly behind this one"
annoying response, to someone that can't hear you mind you, "Yeah right that's what you always say."

Ahhh friends let us join in the hatred and utter contempt we hold for morons who despite obvious facts think they can change the outcome events just by pressing the elevator after you did, flicking the light switch up and down a few times even though th bulb just blew, jiggle the handle on the overflowing toilet, and of course yelling at the automated system that has pretty much replaced customer service as we know it...

"What do you mean press 1... I just pressed one for Christ's sake!!!"

Enjoy the weekend.

Wish me luck...

So I've decided to enter a contest which would have a final prize of getting to host a radio program on New Jersey 101.5 *DING* The chime time is now 11 am and I hope you're still in bed, if you're not supposed to be GET UP ALREADY!!! Sorry just practicing. Anywho... the audition will take place tomorrow or next Thursday we'll see how it goes. I already know I'm the best man for the job and anyone who's had phone sex with me... big ups to Tyrone serving 6-8 in Rahway... knows it too. Now I just need the rest of the world to figure it out.

On a completely unrelated topic... there is this guy here at work. We'll call him Ted, and his sole purpose it seems is to create and foward these "broadcast emails" that go to everyone in our organization. I've figured it out that he is the most worthless employee in the world. Even edging out the crossing gaurd and school guidance counselors of the world. I've been thinking long and hard about this and I've come to the conclusion that this guy is more annoying than the guy who keeps sending me the emails about Asian porn and penis growth pills and/or cream.

P.S. Indians, the dot kind not the bow and arrow kind, are not Asian. Yes you are on the continent, but your eyes are open, your skin is dark, and you are not all midgets. So let it go, you are not Asian. Besides I have never seen an Indian in a single Asian porn email. Though I have seen several in the penis cream ads.

Good day.... I said GOOD DAY!!!